“Avengers: Endgame” — You guys excited about this? [ Cheers and applause ] It doesn’t come out
for three weeks, but tickets went on sale today,
and so many people tried to buy them that all
the ticket sites crashed. [ Laughter ] That pretty much
sums up the country. We buy our “Avengers” tickets
three weeks early, file our taxes five minutes
before they’re due. It’s like —
[ Laughter and applause ] Kind of sums it up perfectly,
right? But I get it, though.
The studio says “Avengers: Endgame”
is the last in the series. Until it makes a billion dollars
and they immediately release “Avengers Endgame:
A New Beginning,” you know? I’ll see that.
[ Cheers and applause ] But this morning —
Did you see this? A local news station
here in New York was talking about
“Avengers” tickets, and one of the anchors
really couldn’t hide how much she loves
Chris Hemsworth, who plays Thor. [ Laughter ] You got to watch this.
It’s funny. -You know, I didn’t watch
a lot of the older ones, but I started watching them
after I saw Thor. I was like, “All right,
I’m gonna watch any movie –” -You just like Chris Hemsworth. -Yeah, I’m gonna watch
any movie that he’s in. -Oh, he’s cute.
-Oh, cute? [ Laughter ]
He’s not just cute. -Handsome. Handsome.
-Listen. We can go more than handsome.
He’s hot. [ Laughter ] -“He’s hot!” Looks like somebody’s gonna be
sneaking a little bottle of Chardonnay into the theater.
[ Laughter and applause ] Oww! Let’s get to some news here. Last night, President Trump
tweeted that he’s got a really great healthcare plan
to replace Obamacare, but he said he won’t reveal it
until after the 2020 election. [ Laughter ] Which is basically
the political version of saying, “I do have a girlfriend. and she just
goes to a different school.” [ Laughter and applause ] “She’s really hot!” Actually, Trump sent a bunch
of tweets about healthcare, and one of them
had some interesting spellings. Check this out.
He wrote, “The Republican party will be known as the party
of great healt– healtcare.” [ Laughter ] Yeah, he spelled it “healtcare.”
Yeah. Trump’s cut
so much from healthcare that now he’s just
cutting letters. [ Laughter and applause ] Of course,
Trump is constantly tweeting, and today,
a lot of people couldn’t believe what he said about Puerto Rico.
Take a look. He wrote, “The best thing that
ever happened to Puerto Rico is President Donald J. Trump.” [ Laughter ] Puerto Rico was like, “Sir,
April Fool’s Day was yesterday.” [ Laughter, cheers, applause ] Oh, and today,
Trump told reporters that he still might close
the Mexican border. And experts say if that happens, the U.S. could run out of
avocados in three weeks. [ Laughter ] And that’s when Trader Joe’s
will officially change its name to Fight Club.
“Give it!” [ Laughter and applause ] “I’ll trade you my firstborn!
Give me that avocado!” [ Light laughter ] This is very interesting.
In a new article, one Republican Senator said
that Trump lives in the moment. He’s not thinking of the next
day or even the next hour. [ Light laughter ] It’s always comforting to hear that the most powerful man
in the world has so much in common
with a goldfish. [ Laughter and applause ]
I love that. Well, the 2020 presidential race
is underway, and I read that Pete Buttigieg
and Joe Biden are the most googled Democrats. Yeah, Buttigieg is thinking,
“Sweet, people are googling me.” Biden is like,
“Stop googling me. Please, there’s nothing — nothing to read
about me this week.” Pretty interesting guy, though. Some people are having trouble
pronouncing his name. Here, take a look at this. -And then on Saturday,
Mayor Pete “Boot-ed-edge”… -Mayor Pete “Bootagig”… -Pete “Bootajij.” -Pete “Bootajeej.”
-Pete “Bootajis.” -Pete “Bootadeg.”
-Pete “Butt-agig.” [ Laughter ] -Yeah, it’s pretty tricky. -Wait, wait. So, how do you really
pronounce his name again? -It’s Pete “Boot-a-jej.” -Oh, okay.
I got it. It’s Pete “Booty judge.” [ Laughter ]
-No. No, no, it’s Pete “Boot-ajej.” -Oh, oh, I see. What you’re saying is
Pete “Booty-sheesh.” [ Laughter ]
-Nope. Pete “Boot-ajej.” -Yeah, we got it.
Pete Butterscotch. [ Laughter ] -Butt-ajej. -Billy Bob Thornton. [ Laughter ] -No, “Boot-edge-edge.”
Blueberry. [ Laughter ] -Come on, repeat after me —
Boot. -Boot. -Edge.
-Bootylicious! -Booty call!
[ Laughter ] -This has been “The Roots
Mispronounce Buttigieg.” Now back to the monologue. [ Applause ] -Here’s some big
social-media news. Prince Harry and Meghan Markle just launched their own
joint Instagram account. [ Cheers and applause ] Even the Queen was like, “They have a couples
Instagram account? Ugh! Barf.” [ Laughter and applause ] The Queen said that.
“Ugh! Barf.” [ Laughter ]
This is pretty cool. I saw that this weekend marked
the 80th anniversary of one of my favorite
superheroes, Batman. [ Cheers and applause ] And in honor of Batman’s 80th, I just wanted to take a second
to address some rumors. ♪♪ Look…
[ Light laughter ] You’ve heard whispers of this
for years now. You’ve heard the speculation,
the hearsay, but, America, believe me when I say —
I’m not Batman. [ Laughter ] Sure, it makes sense —
I like high-tech luxury cars, and I’ve been known
to pull off a mask or two, and I leave work at 12:30
every night, which is when
crime-fighting begins. Or that’s when it would begin
if I was Batman, which I’m not. Then, of course,
there’s my low, raspy voice and rock-hard physique. [ Laughter ] But, America, I want to look you
dead in the eyes and say this loud and clear — [ Low voice] I’m not Batman. [ Laughter, cheers, applause ] -Come on. -Here’s some business news,
guys. I read that Keebler
was just sold in a deal worth $1.3 billion. [ Audience “Oohs” ] It’s great for Keebler
but tough on the elves who found an eviction notice nailed to their tree
this morning. [ Laughter and applause ]
That’s a bummer. This is exciting, guys. Applebee’s is bringing back
the Strawberry Dollarita. [ Cheers and applause ] For the entire month of April. For those of you
who don’t know what that is, it’s a $1 strawberry margarita
with a Twizzler for a straw. They’ve been trying out some
different slogans for the drink. I’ll show you what I mean. First, there’s “Applebee’s
Strawberry Dollarita — Like a cavity
wrapped in a hangover.” [ Laughter ] There’s also,
“The Strawberry Dollarita — Perfect if you want strangers to
ask, ‘Hey, is everything okay?'” [ Laughter and applause ] Next there’s,
“How Willy Wonka gets crunk.” [ Laughter and applause ] Then there’s also,
“Insulin sold separately.” [ Laughter ] And finally,
“One step above prison wine.” There you go. I mean, that’s
some interesting slogans. -Only a dollar.
-A tasty beverage. This is pretty cool.
Scientists have built a 6’10” robot that can hit
perfect three-pointers. Unfortunately, rival scientists
built a 6’11” robot that can say, “Not in my house.” [ Laughter and applause ] I didn’t think
that joke would work, but I still —
I like it anyway. -It worked.
-“Not in my house.” [ Light laughter ] It did kind of work, right?
-Yeah. -Yeah. Speaking of —
What’s that? -It’s one inch taller.
-Yeah. Scientists spent millions of
dollars creating that robot. -[ Laughing ]Yeah.
-Speaking of robots, a new report just confirmed
that the Curiosity rover detected methane on Mars. [ Audience “Oohs” ] Although you know what
they say — “He who detected it,
ejected it.” [ Laughter and applause ] Finally, guys,
this is very interesting. I saw that a school in Japan is teaching people how to become
professional mascots. When the Elmo in Times Square
heard that, he was like, “For 15 bucks, I’ll give you a
degree and my costume right now. Let’s do it.
Let’s go. I don’t care.
I don’t even need your clothes.” [ Applause ]