Emotionally Unavailable Mother | healthcare, psychology & wellness w/Kati Morton | Kati Morton

100 Replies to “Emotionally Unavailable Mother | healthcare, psychology & wellness w/Kati Morton | Kati Morton”

  1. Question, could having a mother thats emotionally absent or abusive be a cause of bpd? Like the fear of abandonment thing?

  2. I haven't read a book in awhile. I'll try the book. You were so on point. I've done that fragile hidden self thing consciously last years with everything else. Alot of other issues are there, and I've always hid issues and had really unfortunate ones that accumulated. The curse and isolation feelings were quite insidious when I went unwell. I'm so divided in 'me now for my care and so on, and I never could imagine having people in my life or not hiding anything except to maybe 'me.

  3. This video is old but I'm so glad I found it! My mom had me at 44 and shortly after I was born she began going through menopause. My mom had always been emotionally immature. My dad would tell stories of how crazy and spoiled she was when they first got married. She was very childlike and would often throw temper tantrums in public like a child. She ended up having 7 kids and then me. By the time I came along she was raged with hormonal depression and insomnia and I'm sure postpartum depression. I dont have many memories as a young child with my mom at all. I can remember her being sad all the time or angry. I remember having to rely on my older siblings for care most of the time. What I do vividly remember about our relationship was during my tweens and teens. That was so toxic. The most pain I'd ever been in. I think it was so painful because I was old enough now to realize that what my friends had with their mothers was just not an option for me. She used to always compare me to other family members which I remember tore me apart. I would yell and scream and throw tantrums just because of the hurt and frustration of feeling like I wasnt good enough. "Not good enough "is essentially the main mode of my life. It's how I make most of my decisions, it's how I dream. Because of the way shes made me feel, I always had this….disdain for her deep down in my heart. Now I'm an adult and my mom has cancer. Its not looking good. Suddenly those feelings of frustration are coming back. I'm frustrated because I want to make things right with her but I'm afraid that I'll never be what she wanted and that she'll die and I'll have to live with that pain for the rest of my life.

  4. Being a mom feels like the most difficult scary thing and I would never want to be a mom myself, my mom showed me that

  5. My mom goes dancing every week. Last weekend she went dancing, but before she went I wanted her to stay home. She went anyways. Even if she did stay home she would ignore me.

  6. This really hit home hard. I will never forget crying in front of my mother. I was in such a dark place and speaking about suicide. She didn’t even bat an eyelid. The thought of me contemplating suicide didn’t even faze her the slightest. She had the most blank look on her face. It was not normal. I’m glad I got myself into therapy and healed myself. The exact same way I’ve been healing myself my whole life 🙁

  7. My mother is emotionally absent and narcissistic. One thing that really helped me when I was in my teens (during the 70's) was a book titled Honey, there was a wonderful example in it called the 'mother pie' stating how we all have an ideal mother in our heart and mind but our reality never meets that pie but others in our life fill different slices of it. I was 12 when I read it and it helped me survive a lot of abuse from my mother and others in my life.

  8. I was a very, very sensitive child and I had an emotionally unavailable mother. I have been working on this ever since it affected my last relationship…. you are SPOT on in everything you are talking about. Thank you. I love your channel.

    Yes @ 5:55
    Its like soothing youre negative self talk with positive self care and love.

  9. @ 811 could have done better? Yes but did they know how to parent in the first place theres no book on parenting and what is their history from their parents that they have held onto… you need to relase the karmic history of your geanology. You are your own individul and separate from your parental counterparts and their dysfinctional upbringing.
    Yes its ok to cut off your family members if it creates a toxic situation for you where you are mentally incapacitated for days from the triggers of trauma and abuse that you internalize.

  10. Katie, I had a mechanical mother, and she was that way from her own depression, trauma, and undermothering. My grandmother undermothered her, due to financial circumstances and my grandfather left. My grandmother was undermothered, due to her mother not knowing how to mother, and kicking my grandmother out of the family. My great grandmother was undermothered due to her mother and father dying when she was a baby. So this is a long line. I can see where it comes from, so I don't have anger about it. I have weird behaviors and gaps in relational connection. I mostly am numb. I was the self-sufficient child. How do you get past THAT? It just is what it is. I can't even get to the feelings.

  11. I feel my job is abusing me like my mother was, demanding and just putting me in a constant state of DID! Ptsd?!

  12. My mom is not accepting me being transgender and I’ve been out for over 3 years now. Whenever she fucks up something like my birth name, and even when I confront her about it, she ignores it and acts like nothing is wrong. And she’s always been emotionally unavailable in general anyway. She talks to me but she doesn’t really care about my emotions at all.

  13. People only deal with me on a professional level and I am use to it. However I am angry, but I deal. I blame my unavailable selfish mom

  14. My og is not available emotionally 4 me cuz wen i do try 2 talk 2 her bout how she made me feel bout certain stuff she cuts me off right when im tryna talk 2 ha n i got talked bout after i had a bad break up thats y ion do relationships no more 💯

  15. She left me.
    She left my
    brothers and my dad.
    I try to go on YouTube trying to see how other girls deal with this , but videos only show up for single moms.
    I would like to have a step mom, but I don’t and its okay. When I see a girl with her mom close I am happy for her but later on I cry by myself because my heart is breaking wishing I had that. But this just makes me want to be an amazing supporting mom when I am older.
    I am very grateful that I have my grandma for her to teach me things. But I do not live with my grandma nor see her every day. At school people look at me weird and think I am lying when I say I don’t have a mom. When other people say they don’t have a dad they are understanding. But maybe it’s me. I might over think things.

  16. My mom chose me stepdad over me n kicked me out n I lived wit my dad for a couple of years n ima bout to graduate high school n leave to the navy n I never needed my mother, I all that by my damn self i got my dad n god by my side

  17. I’ve been through stuff. Raised by a caring mom and dad then they got divorced. We moved out of the state without my dad in the picture. My mom soon got with someone else secretly. All of the sudden this person moves in with me without saying that this person is moving in. My mom wasn’t properly divorced at the time and custody was an issue. I never saw my dad, he was amazing. My mom made my dad seem like an evil person when he was not. My mom shows her feelings in front of me which is traumatizing for a 6 year old at the time. As I grow up, I see my friends with their parents laughing and showing affection towards each other. I always wanted someone to talk to, even though I have friends. I wish my childhood was “normal”, but that’s not how things turn out.

  18. My mom, has high functioning depression. She's since been through therapy and medication and she is so much more affectionate and loving with my sisters. I am struggling with feeling jealous about it, and I know it's driving a wedge between her and I. I guess my question is, and I know this is an old video and probably wont be noticed but… How do I cope with the new mom she is, and put aside the mom she was to me?

  19. THANK YOU SO MUCH KATE. I KNOW UNDERSTAND WHY I DO SOME THINGS. I HAD AN EMOTIONAL ABSENT MOTHER. THANK YOU

  20. I am 29 and this week I finally accepted the truth – that my mom is emotionally unavailable, and that she will not change. Once she told me she loved me, ONCE. I had a dream some years ago, it was a snow storm, we were walking home and I was about 3 yrs old…I was falling behind, and my mom looked behind, stopped for a few seconds then left me. I told her about it, and she laughed. I knew the dream meant abandonment. It's horrible when you're still going through it to this day, but I hope we will all heal one day 💜

  21. Me: mom what's a genome?
    Mom: How the hell should I know! I'm not an encyclopedia!
    Me: I fell down and scraped my knee. It hurst.
    Mom: You think you got problems! Tell me about it! (Goes on a rant about her life)

  22. I knew growing up that there was something inherently wrong with my and my mothers dynamic. It had not occurred to me, that my mother was narcissistic, until now.
    I always regarded her as selfish, self centered, verbally abusive, and emotionally detached.
    Now, for the first time—I understand.

  23. Thank you for this. I just realized today that all of my romantic relationships have been affected because of this. I always knew I was a parentified child but didn't understand the effect on me. I'm so grateful for this info and the book suggestion.

  24. I saw the video you posted today that gave a shoutout to this video – and I couldn’t of clicked on it faster! This really helped me understand the issues I have had with my Mother and I can’t wait to buy the book to learn more. I just became a first time Mom, and my biggest concern is how to be there for my child the way my Mom wasn’t able to be there for me – but I don’t understand how/why I had so many issues with my Mom being so unavailable so I’m very excited to start digging into this topic further! ❤️🤱🏻

  25. My mum had zero motherly/'caring' instincts towards us, but played the motherly card when her friends were around. I've been estranged from my parents for years now.

  26. I've heard off the Internet that if you're a child of a not compassionate, or drunkard, mother you can develop porn addiction.

  27. This video brought me to tears. This is something that I am dealing with as a 26 year old. My mom wasn't there for me emotionally at all. Sometimes I wanted to hear "I love you" or for her to just give me a hug. I never got any of that. That is something that she still lacks in. The only true person who tells me that they love me is my grandmother. I love her so much. That's why it's so hard for me to tell other people that I love them or show affection. I'm a very shy person, and I stay to myself a lot as well. I don't like being around too many people that I am not comfortable with. I'm also a people pleaser, and I try to make everyone happy, and not myself. I still don't know who I am at 26 years old, and I am still trying to find myself. It's so hard, and yes, sometimes I do feel lonely, but I'd rather be alone.

  28. I know mother and daughter relationships aren't perfect, but I wish I had that type of relationship with my mom. I had a talk with her a couple of months ago, and I asked her why she never asked us questions and why she never wanted to get to know me. Her response was "I'm not your friend/I wasn't your friend." And yes, a lot of mothers aren't on that friend level with their kids, but a lot of mothers still know a lot about their kids. My mom doesn't open up to me at all, so I never share what I'm going through with her. My grandmom noticed a few months ago how I never open up to her or other people, and how I'm always so quiet. And it's because my mom just didn't really talk to me about anything growing up. She was there, but emotionally she wasn't. I've gone through emotional and physically abuse with this lady.

  29. That first question you got is so my mom. She says she wishes she could have done some things differently, but when I start opening up to her and try to talk about the things she did, she gets defensive. Like it's so annoying.

  30. Even though the worst of the devastation of having such a mother is gone (the fact that I could acknowledge this actually was happening to me lifted most of the pain), I think it can help to process it. So I just bought it, thanks! I had to parent myself basically… Ended up years down the road abusing alcohol, hating myself, downgrading my self worth… Only in the last 18 months I am starting to recover from the addiction and hole created by the abuse, neglect.

  31. As an avid babysitter. I cannot express how much it PAINED me to hear the kids cry to me how sad and lonely they felt because the mothers would be so unavailable for them. It was so soul torturing for me. They are love starved. Ignored and forced to shut their feelings off or seek love where they can find it. That's why a lot of children grow up starving for approval and so they fall prey to bad friendships and relationships. One example would be gang members. They seek a caring older figure so the older thugs take advantage because they know lonely kids will do anything just to not be abandoned by those they look up to or have an emotional attachment with.

  32. My grandmother is extrem narcisstic an my Mum is very strange.. I can‘t discribe her behaviour. She used to text me long mails where she only wrote down how evil my grandmother is and how my Mum will be in contact again with me and my brother when my grandmother dies. My mother only visit me when I call her and beg her crying on the phone. She text me messages like „always know that Mumma love u and your brother the most“ but she never ask me how I‘m doing. Never visit me but is living in the same little city. She put letters and coupons in my postbox but never ring on my door to see if I‘m home. Since she is living totally alone with a men that has no children and gets his money from people telling them he is an healer – she totally lost her mine. She was always weird believing in things like that. But since three years she is hiding where she lives in this city (her adress) . nobodx knows… she is also constantly lying, even over little unimportant things. I try to find out what her behaviour is but I‘m helpless. I take care of my grandmother the last 20 years and it sucks every energy out of me. I can‘t do it anymore. I also take care of my younger brother because my mum does not. My mother left us all. Like she is death or something. But she is alive.

  33. This is really interesting. I had a dear friend who had dissociative identity disorder, he was in DBT, but had four personalities that would take control, and he would loose time. Unfortunately my friend is no longer with us, however, he had the same experience growing up, as you have explained here. His personalities were from a few stages in his life, and represented his struggle.

  34. This may seem off topic but I live how you say "we" when describing situations. It makes me and probably others feel less alone. Love your videos. 💜

  35. What do you do if your mother has become emotionally abusive when you are an adult?? My mom delt with an abuser of her own and it’s changed her to become emotionally abusive. Every time I try to express my feelings or communicate with her she sees it as me blaming her for my problems or it’s an attack against her. She tries to make me feel like I’m going insane and I do. I don’t want to lose my relationship with my mother as an adult but it’s toxic.

  36. My mother and father despised me and my sisters. When I was 7 or 8 years old, I was just sitting in my room and she came barging in and smacked me so hard I was crying and asking her to stop and she kept doing it and she made me cook the eggs bc she said I needed “to learn how to cook” even though I was only 7 years old

  37. This video is incredible. Now at 40 I have just started to cut off my emotionally abusive and neglectful mother from my life and learn to re-mother myself. I, too, turned to other unhealthy relationships and wasted a lot of precious time on them and my mother (being her personal therapist). Thank you so much! I hope the younger people experiencing this issue take this to heart and think about it seriously.

  38. I am still not sure if my problem is serious enough but my mother talked with me in raised voice always since i was kid.
    She never screamed and never abused me physically.She just talks with me in raised voice.Some times for hours and days over and over again.For years.I dont even know how to explain it.It is something between talking and shauting.Now i am 17 and i am very quiet person.And another thing.Even my mom herself noticed that i talk with other persons differently than i talk with her.More like i dont talk with her at all anymore.Last time she raised her voice i were listening for hour or more.Then i just screamed and and took my bike in anger.I took keys and left home for another hour.It was cold windy day.Almost raining.One week already passed and i havent said a word to her during this time.
    I feel completely broken.I lost so much of my summer time *again*.
    I feel like it would be better if i just disappeared from this planet 🙁

  39. I literally started crying halfway through. My moms been sick the majority of my preteen/teen years. I just miss the faint memories of her giving me hugs on the couch and playing with me. Now because of her illness she yells at me without knowing it and cry’s at everything it’s like dealing with a emotional bomb. She never taught me how to shave or gave me solid advice yelling in my ear that my ex cheated on me when he dumped me. She says she loves me and puts it all in products she buys out of the blue for me which is nice and I appreciate it but I have yearned for a hug from her for years but she’s changed physically and mentally. I guess that’s why I like hugs so much. I put all my effort in finding that gap in boys and pushed my ex away from me because I relied so much on him to hug me and fill that whole. My dad is an amazing man and takes care of me and my brother but he does not have that motherly bond I had with my mother when I was younger and it affected me growing up. My mom just moved out when I was 16 because her mental and physical issues have gotten worse. I don’t have a lot of hope anymore after years of doctors but my dad carries enough for the both of us. I had to stick up and be the wise and sane figure in my brothers life, sometimes I do feel like I have taken her role being the only woman in the house and it’s hard. I sometimes wish I could scream from the rooftops for god to give me her back or at least a motherly figure like old southern lady’s in the movies that would sit down with me and tell me everything’s gonna be okay and give me a air grasping hug for as long as I wanted. I guess I have some mommy issues 🤷‍♀️

  40. Sad that there is this many people here an that so many came to watch, but soothing because Im not alone. Every time I talk to my mother about the pain I feel and how she has hurt me, she starts talking about how she suffered in life & is still suffering. If you are not emotionally capable to care for a child do not bring one into this world..

  41. my mom always made sure to lower my self esteem, but thankfully in high school i met my best friend and she helped me get where I am. however when I say this, she claims that she was the one that helped me. wtf no

  42. What if a parent was emotionally supportive, even overprotective, when you were a young child, but as you got older, like tween/teen age and up into young adulthood they invalidate and shun all of your emotions?

  43. My mom abanded me when I was 8, so i guess I can't relate because I have no mother… My mom chose drugs instead of her family, so my mom decided to leave.

  44. Thanks for this video, I have an emotionally unavailable mother and it’s a constant struggle. I read Dr. Jonice Webb’s CEN books and have been in therapy for a few months and it is helping me but sometimes it feels like a never-ending battle. I am now aware that my relationship with my mom is unfulfilling and because of that it ticks me off to even talk to her because she is not providing the emotional support I need. I understand that she is only representing the lack of love and care that she received, but it doesn’t make it any easier. I am trying to build up the support that you suggested. Again thanks for this video, I will continue to go to therapy and put in the work!

  45. My aunt , who I call mom, is 80. Last 7-10 years, she hasn't been there for me emotionally. Ya try, looking to others for comfort, that mom couldn't give..

  46. Hi! Thank you for your videos, they are always very helpfull! I've been trying to find information about how TO BE available as a mother or step mother. I feel so not available with my boyfriend's son, I feel like I have no empaty whatsoever and that I reject everything he is feeling. I feel like I have no more tolerance for kids since I know him. I have Quiet BPD and so I'm oversensitive and I feel I reject his negative feelings to protect myself. I need hope! THANK YOU!

  47. The happiest time of my life was when I cut myself off from my toxic mother & sister…i took the advice of a coworker & a psychiatrist who told me it was unrealistic to not have a relationship with my mother…now here I am in the same toxic draining environment!!! Thank goodness for antidepressants!

  48. My mom was very similar to this but it was mostly because of money-wise causing her to move in with my grandmother. My aunt and cousin also lived with my grandma and most of my childhood memories are made up of them both. As my mom was constantly working and when she wasn’t was traveling I don’t have many memories of her. she also went out with her friends and still does to this day which I don't mind now but I just wish she was there more emotionally, either way now I have closed myself off and when she comes trying to she her love from me I push it away. Even so, she still tries to be there for me till this day showing her support. But I do struggle when showing people emotions to others and hate it when I do .

    So I don’t know if this relates to her being unable any comments would help thanks

    Also I know about the bad grammar sorry

  49. My mom and dad both left but I see my dad sometimes, but my mom comes around when it’s beneficial to her. She’s bipolar and an alcoholic. But I honestly think she has multiple personality disorder.

  50. My little girl is trying to emotionally be an adult. Too me. I am now staying away from her and let my mom and dad look after her for a while.

  51. My mother was a mean, selfish, dominance witch. Her wicked belittling had no bottom. She only had me to trap my father. She was raised by a mother who spoiled her rotten. You get the picture. I finally decided to mother myself, and I did a good job. If she couldn't love that adorable child who I was, then I will love that child who still lives in me. This is a great loss for the horrible witch who gave birth to me. Thank you for this terrific video! I have overcome my dismal childhood doing the things you suggest!

  52. The only good thing bout having an emotionally absent parents is that it made me stronger. Life is a game of survival, only the strongest survive. That’s what I learned at a young age. No love was shown in my home. Just rage, hatred and disgust. Only because we were her children.

  53. I already have accepted that fact that i wasn’t fortunate enough to receive a mother that i needed, and lost the guilt of needing her to be someone she could never be as a mother, i am in the progress of mourning… one of the hardest things to do is to mourn a person that is still alive, and from this day forward i am mourning someone under the same roof as me…

  54. "Find people you can trust to be there" me: 'okay, 1…. there isn't more than that. I've lost everyone.' Thanks. I'm never going to heal.

  55. I’m on the stage where I live for myself. I know I’m loved etc but the emotion is lacking. I was abused by a carer she hired while she worked at the night. Took a while to tell her but the resentment of not able to prevent that from happening. The resentment is slowly stewing and only recently found out that the carer has no qualification/background in taking care of children….. also it was a defensive ‘I didn’t know about it’ which was in a voice trying to defer responsibility…… it part of her fault still

  56. I feel better. My mom is like this, anytime I tell her how I feel she yells “grow up” or it’s a “pity thing”. She lives across the country, moved as soon as I got in college (17going on 18yr) and we haven’t lived in the same state since. I visit her sometimes. When I try to talk to her she often gets defensive and blocks me in everything (phone etc) now I’m 23 and I have a hard time with relationships, self love etc. good to know I’m not just crazy and it’s not just me. She often flips the situation to me attacking her

  57. My mother has always been a negative mean-spirited person, my dad however is a very kind an thoughtful person but because of that my dad sticks up for mum even when he knows she's in the wrong to protect her mental health which really effects me

  58. My moms favorite phrase was, “I have other things on my mind(not you)”. I think she was self centered on her own problems and quite disturbed individual. Unfortunately, like others, her problems (in one way or another) are somehow keeping me down. I’m just realizing at 42 what a wrecked situation I’ve been fighting to free myself from all these years. But Kati and Julia Kristina are helping tremendously. Along with lots of study. Thank you so much.

  59. It's hardest when the parent that cared about your feelings passes away, and your mother gives all her attention and affection to your sibling.

  60. Not true always. Sometimes when u have emotionally unavailable mother or parents it makes u have more empathy for others, it's crazy cz how isolated I felt I could feel more pain for others and wanting to help others cz I knew how it feels to be isolated and in pain and outcasted

  61. I know she tried but she wasn’t there for me, I will forever be fucked up by my mum and how she wasn’t there for me. I won’t have kids now, being a 20 yr old because I’m scarred I’ll scar my kids like she was unaware she scared me

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