Full Strength Strongman Competition – brutalmoose


INTRO: I’ve not seen such bravery Hey, what are you looking at? Oh, I see, you couldn’t help but stare at my ENORMOUS MUSCLES. I bet you think I spent my entire life sculpting these huge arm boulders, but you’d be wrong. What do you mean arm boulders isn’t a term, sure it is. The truth is you can get just as buff as me with little to no effort Thanks to Full Strength Strongman Competition So get buff the easy way, don’t be a little [BEEP] What do you mean I can’t say [BEEP] on a commercial? [baby crying] If I wanna say [BEEP] I’m gonna say [BEEP] [BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP] I mean have you seen these [BEEEP] muscles, brah? Full Strength Strongman Competion…
I mean the first observation I have is that they probably should’ve come up with a less horrible title for their game and the second, third, and fourth observations are all these three people here on the box It looks like these two guys are doing that elephant noise thing with their lips, and this guy just looks… ..terrifying I mean, what, is he throwing a car? Hmm. “It’s a race against time, your reflexes, and endurance to see who is the ultimate champion. Are you tough enough?” Sounds pretty intense to me, so we better put it in and boot it up and do some, uh, muscle things ..that wasn’t the line Full Strength Strongman Competition is a 1999 game for Windows 95 and 98 Developed by Cat Daddy games, who you might remember as the developer of Mall Tycoon 3 So we should be in for a quality game, if I were to guess. The game opens with a guy who definitely doesn’t look like he’s trying to talk to his bicep or anything crazy like that The main menu is a montage of manliness accompanied by some stock music Have you ever wanted to see someone lift something? Look at this guy, he’s lifting a thing! Can he lift it? Yes he can! A lift a day keeps the… I dunno, fat away, maybe? And if your thirst for manliness remains unquenched, just give a listen to the menu sound effects -YEAH! -AGH -LET’S GO! -TOUGH GUY [“YEAH’ gradually growing louder] First thing we gotta do is name our beefcake, and without hesitation I know that the only correct name is Buff DrinkLots Now we have to pick our character from a small library of giant men I’m sure these guys are famous to some people out there But I must admit I’ve never paid any attention to full strength strongmen competitions. If that’s what you actually call them. So I have no idea who these people are. I’m gonna go with Flemming here, because he looks like he’s totally Spacing out. He doesn’t look too interested, I’m not that interested, we bonded Before we join a tournament though, we should probably practice the events. -TOUGH GUY The first event is the Truck Pull, in which you pull a truck Really complex stuff here. And of course we’re given a lady in a bikini as well because no test of manliness is ever complete without some scantily clad women…for some reason. All right it’s time for Buff DrinkLots VS. Magnus Computer It’s the competition of the century, so don’t you dare look away -Ready Set GO! [yawn] -So all you do is alternate hitting Z and C and Buff DrinkLots just takes off. I win by a landslide and there are some people that are clapping… at me I don’t know why, but this clapping animation is definitely clapping AT me, and not FOR me. The Tire Throw is pretty similar to the Truck Pull in that you have to push Z and C over and over again but this time instead of pulling something, it just makes you kind of wiggle around. Then you push space to throw and… Man, this is almost TOO exciting! Show Girl Lift is exactly what it sounds like. The goal is to stop the ball in the center of this meter here. The closer to the center you get, the faster you complete the lift. The real test of strength comes from within, though Can you resist the virtual beauties here, or are they too big of a distraction for you? I mean, they almost look like people… almost. Next up is the Atlas Carry, which I’m sure is just as complex and in-depth as the rest of these challenges. In this event you use Z and C to balance this teetering line The faster you balance it the faster you move, but the best part about it is definitely this little run you do in-between lifting things. For a game concerned with making things as manly as possible, the running animation They chose is incredibly silly. The rest of the games are pretty much more of the same. You’re either lifting or throwing things, and all the games use the same three buttons. It’d be completely unbearable if the animations weren’t so much fun to look at. None of these people look like actual people, their bodies and faces just look… Weird, I don’t know how else to describe it but weird. Now that Buff DrinkLots is prepared in all eight grueling events, it’s time to enter the tournament. The events are all exactly the same as in practice But in-between the games there are standings, so… if you’re expecting the game to somehow turn into something good, well… Not gonna happen. But you know what, I’ve been training and preparing for this moment right here. Let’s do this. -Yeah Manly Muscles MANLY MUSCLES WORKIN SO HARD, YEAH GOTTA BE THE CHAMPION GOTTA SHOW THE CROWD THAT YOU’RE A MAN WITH MUSCLES [MANLY MUSCLES] GOTTA HIT Z AND C AND SOMETIMES SPACEBAR -PULL THAT TRUCK -THROW A TIRE -PUSH THOSE CARS -LIFTING GIRLS JUST PICKIN SHIT UP I’M NOT REALLY SURE WHY YEAH!!! MUSCLES MAN I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t win. Heinz computer got everything, The fame, the first place bronze trophy, the money, the… mustard. And then the game just unceremoniously dumps us back at the title screen. I suppose this was made for bodybuilding fans, although I doubt even they got that much enjoyment out of it I mean, it’s clearly just an attempt to make a quick buck off of fans of the sport that don’t know any better. And I know it was a long shot, but I don’t even feel any stronger after playing this, if anything, I feel weaker. Piece of Junk. [ding] -MANLY MUSCLES

92 Replies to “Full Strength Strongman Competition – brutalmoose”

  1. I totally remember Riku Kiri! Probably helps that he has the same first name as me, but I think I might've watched some strongman competitions in the 90's.

  2. This reminds me of a CD ROM I got in a bag of purina dog chow, where you played a couple different dog competitions. It was probably terrible, but I enjoyed it.

  3. Ian! I love your videos and your humor. Please play and review Age of Empires! And Wildlife Park (a shitty version of Zoo Tycoon on steam!) Keep up the good work Ian you’re awesome! 👍

  4. 2:42 reminds me of the ROBLOX volume slider.
    also please don't start any "EWMYGURD ROBLIX SUCKS" we already know that.

  5. Looking back at this video, I'm kinda mad Moose didn't end the video with the return of Fred Flintstone's moon jump.

  6. Jack Crowley: Have you ever seen that Strongman Competition Show? A lot folk say those guys are gay, but I dunno… They sure look strong to me.

  7. The scantily clad women are obviously there to remind you that being obsessed with manliness, muscles, and manly muscles is 100% not gay.

  8. OK so this was funny as fuck and the song was brilliant but… a bodybuilding/strength competition game could work really well.
    Hear me out.

    A small team could make an in-depth, stat-based RPG.

    Still reading? Cool.
    Modern bodybuilding is all about keeping to a strict diet, taking precise amounts of supplements and strict training regimens that are adapted depending on which parts of the body need more focus. It's boring as hell for anyone not in the business, but then again… so is fine-tuning a car or managing a hotel or trying to explain ev training in Pokemon.

    Basically I'm thinking of something entirely stat based, as if you were the trainer. You'd have the animated character portrait change body shape depending on the training and competitions would be entirely stat based, so if you've got a buff dude but he's not mentally focused then he''ll get distracted by a bikini girl or someone who looks like his dad, or something. Maybe he takes up smoking on the sly and you have to catch it by noticing his lack of stamina. I dunno. I'm literally typing this as it's coming to me.

    Hell, you could market it as actual training for a career. The key is being as detailed as possible – it's gotta look boring as shit. That's how you get 'em.

    Too long, but you already read it. Sucker.

  9. Not only was Buff Drinklots a lovely reference, this household still loves bursting into the "Manly Muscles" song whenever applicable ;3

  10. Nearly all the strongmen are Scandinavians/Nords. Germanic people share DNA with Nordic people, suggesting that they are different parts of the same ethnic tribe. The ones not born in Norway, Sweden, Denmark, Finland, Iceland and the Faroe Islands are German or Austrian.

    Talk about Übermensch. That gene pool is the result of centuries of sacking, raping and pillaging! Apparently that's the path to greatness. Eek.

    Vikings are super cool until they land on your shores, murder everyone but the young girls, take everything that isn't nailed down and pack up the gold and silver with the women and take them home to breed. Some questionable pastimes, there. But hey, at least they can lift big things. A woman trying to escape the grasp of a barrel chested Norwegian or a Swede with tree trunk arms isn't likely to succeed in breaking away.

    "Ve go to my place. I make ze love on you. I do love explosion in poosy. Ve hab beybeys."

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