How to cope with anxiety | Olivia Remes | TEDxUHasselt


Translator: Denise RQ
Reviewer: Robert Deliman Imagine that you’re getting ready
to go to a party. You feel excited, but also nervous, and you’ve got this feeling
in your stomach almost like another heartbeat. There’s something holding you back,
holding you back from getting too happy. “No, you mustn’t get too happy. Better to be cautious, otherwise,
something bad might happen.” You start wondering,
“Who should I talk to when I get there? What if no one wants to talk to me?
What if they’ll think I’m weird?” When you arrive at the party, someone comes up to you
and starts talking with you, and as this is happening, your mind starts racing,
your heart begins pounding, you start sweating, and it feels almost like
you’re dissociating from yourself, like it’s an out-of-body experience,
and you’re just watching yourself talk. “Keep it together,” you say
to yourself, but you can’t. And it’s just getting worse: after a few minutes of conversation, the person
you’ve been speaking to leaves, and you feel utterly defeated. This has been happening to you
in social situations for a long time. Or imagine every time you go out,
and you’re in crowded places, you feel this panic starting to arise. When you’re surrounded by lots of people, like on a bus, you start
to feel hot, nauseous, uneasy, and to prevent this from happening, you start avoiding a lot of places
which makes you feel lonely and isolated. You or the person
in both of these scenarios have anxiety disorders, and what I can tell you
is that anxiety is very common, much more than people think. Right now, one in 14 people
around the world have an anxiety disorder, and each year, it costs
over 42 billion dollars to treat this mental health problem. To show you the impact
that anxiety has on someone’s life, I will just mention that anxiety can lead to depression,
school dropout, suicide. It makes it harder to focus,
and to hold down a job, and it can lead
to relationship breakdown. But a lot of people don’t know this, that’s why, a lot of times,
people sweep anxiety under the rug as just nerves that you need
to get over, as a weakness, but anxiety is so much more than that. A reason why so many people
don’t think it’s important is that they don’t know what it is. Is it your personality? Is it an illness?
Is it a normal sensation? What is? That’s why it’s important
to differentiate what is normal anxiety
from what is an anxiety disorder. Normal anxiety is
an emotion that we all get when we’re in stressful situations. For example, let’s say,
you’re out in the woods, and you come face-to-face with a bear. This will probably make you feel
a little bit anxious, and you’ll probably want
to start running like crazy. This anxious feeling that you get is good
because it protects you, it saves you, and it makes you
on a hightail it out of there, although maybe it’s not such a good idea
to start running when you see a bear. I really don’t think
you can outrun a bear. Anxiety helps us meet
our deadlines at work and deal with emergencies in life, but when this anxiety emotion
is taken to the extreme and arises in situations
which don’t pose a real threat, then that’s when you might have
an anxiety disorder. For example, people
with generalized anxiety disorder worry excessively and constantly
about everything going on in their lives, and they find it very difficult
to control this worry. They also have symptoms
like restlessness, fear, they find it hard to fall asleep at night,
and they can’t concentrate on tasks. In spite of whatever kind of anxiety
you might be suffering from, there is something
that you can do to lower it. It works, and it’s simpler
than you may think. All too often, we’re given
medication for mental disorders, but it doesn’t always work
in the long run. Symptoms often come back,
and you’re back to where you started. So here’s something else to consider: the way you cope or handle things
has a direct impact on how much anxiety you’re experiencing, and if you tweak the way you’re coping,
then you can lower your anxiety. In our study
at the University of Cambridge, we showed that women living in poor areas have a higher risk for anxiety
than women living in richer areas. These results didn’t surprise us,
but when we looked closer, we found that women living in poor areas, if they had a particular set
of coping resources, they didn’t have anxiety, while women living in poor areas
without these coping resources had anxiety. Other studies showed that people who had faced
extreme circumstances, who had faced adversity, been
through wars and natural disasters, if they had coping resources, they remained healthy
and free of mental disorders, while others, facing the same hardships
but without coping skills went on a downward spiral
and developed mental disorders. So what are
some of these coping resources, and how can we use them
to lower our anxiety? And before I dive into what they are, I’d like to point out –
and I think this is so interesting – you can develop these coping resources
or coping skills on your own through the things that you do; you can take charge
of your anxiety and lower it, which I think is so empowering. Today I’ll be talking about
three coping resources, and the first one is feeling like
you’re in control of your life. People who feel like they’re
more in control of their life have better mental health. If you feel like
you’re lacking in control in life, then research shows that you should engage in experiences
that give you greater control. I’ll show you what I mean: do you sometimes find that you put off
starting something because you just don’t feel ready enough? Do you find it hard to make decisions like what to wear, what to eat
who to date, which job to take up? Do you tend to waste a lot of time deciding what you might do
while nothing gets done? A way to overcome indecision
and this lack of control in life, is to do it badly. There’s a quote by writer
and poet GK Chesterton that says, “Anything worth doing
is worth doing badly the first time.” The reason why this works so well is that it speeds up your decision-making
and catapults you straight into action, otherwise, you can spend hours deciding how you should go
about doing something or what you should do. This can be paralyzing and can make
you afraid to even begin. All too often, we aim for perfection,
but never end up doing anything because the standards
that we set for ourselves are too high, they’re intimidating, which stresses us out
so we delay starting something, or we might even abandon
the whole thing altogether. Do it badly frees you up to take action. I mean you know how it is: so often, we want to do
something perfectly we can’t start until it’s the perfect time,
until we’ve got all the skills, but this can be daunting and stressful so why not just jump into it
just do it however, without worrying if it’s good or bad? This will make it that much easier
to start something and as you’re doing it badly to finish it, and when you look back, you’ll realize, more often than not,
that actually it’s not that bad. A close friend of mine who has anxiety started using this motto,
and this is what she said, “When I started using this motto,
my life transformed. I found I could complete tasks
in much shorter time periods than before. Do it badly gave me wings to take risks,
to try something differently, and to have way more fun
during the whole process. It took the anxiety out of everything
and replaced it with excitement.” So do it badly, and you can improve
as you go along. I’d like to ask you to think about this: if you start using this motto today,
how would your life change? The second coping strategy
is to forgive yourself, and this is very powerful if you use it. People with anxiety think a lot about what they’re doing wrong, their worries,
and how bad they’re feeling. Imagine if you had a friend
who constantly pointed out everything you’re doing wrong, and everything
that was wrong with your life. You would probably want to get rid of this person
right away, wouldn’t you? Well, people with anxiety
do this to themselves all day long. They’re not kind to themselves. So maybe it’s time to start
being kinder with ourselves, time to start supporting ourselves, and a way to do this
is to forgive yourself for any mistakes you think you might have made
just a few moments ago to mistakes made in the past. If you had a panic attack
and are embarrassed about it, forgive yourself; if you wanted to talk to someone, but couldn’t muster up
the courage to do so, don’t worry about it, let it go; forgive yourself
for anything and everything and this will give you
greater compassion towards yourself. You can’t begin to heal until you do this. And last but not least, having a purpose and meaning in life is a very important coping mechanism. Whatever we do in life,
whatever work we produce, however much money we make, we cannot be fully happy until we know
that someone else needs us, that someone else depends on
our accomplishments, or on the love that we have to share. It’s not that we need other people’s good words
to keep going in life, but if we don’t do something
with someone else in mind, then we’re at much higher risk
for poor mental health. The famous neurologist
Dr. Victor Frankel said, “For people who think
there’s nothing to live for and nothing more to expect from life, the question is getting
these people to realize that life is still expecting
something from them.” Doing something with someone else in mind
can carry you through the toughest times. You’ll know the why for your existence and will be able to bear
almost any how; almost any how. So the question is do you do at least one thing
with someone else in mind? This could be volunteering, or it could be sharing this knowledge
that you gained today with other people, especially those who need it most, and these are often the people
who don’t have money for therapy, and they’re usually the ones with the highest rates
of anxiety disorders. Give it to them, share with others, because it can really improve
your mental health. So I would like to conclude with this: another way you can do something
with someone else in mind is finishing work that might benefit
future generations. Even if these people will never realize
what you’ve done for them, it doesn’t matter, because you will know,
and this will make you realize the uniqueness
and importance of your life. Thank you. (Applause)

47 Replies to “How to cope with anxiety | Olivia Remes | TEDxUHasselt”

  1. I hate playing football. I dont like contact. I get super worried and sad when I remember I have it. I have this feeling 7 days a week. I still have a month or two left of football.

  2. Right now it’s 5am been dealing with really bad anxiety for 5 days now I’m exhausted, I want it to stop but it won’t. It has literally taken over any bit of happiness in my life.

  3. this best describes me..dint know what i was going through until i came around this thank you so much for creating anxiety awareness

  4. Just wonderful, I have been researching "foods that lower social anxiety" for a while now, and I think this has helped. You ever tried – Qanwen Donuke Approach – (Have a quick look on google cant remember the place now ) ? Ive heard some great things about it and my cousin got cool success with it.

  5. I did something wrong five months ago. I said something I should not have said when I was talking with my male instructor (I am a female) He teaches English language and he was encouraging me to write. I grabbed my phone and I told him that I already write some stuff. He told me to show him so I went through my notes (which I wrote when I was depressed) I had never shown those things to anyone but I showed him just one paragraph of them ( I was saying in that paragraph that I am burning without being in fire, I am drowning even though I am not in water, I want to breath … and lots of other stuff) I was hesitated to show him and I hold the phone for about 5 seconds thinking that I shouldn't show him, but something inside me said that It's fine and I did show him. he read it and he asked me if that's what I'm feeling. I said that It was for a long time, and then I hesitated again (should I tell him what happened with me? I thought no I should not but I said what happened!) I end up telling him that my friend cheated on me and I had family issues. I feel so regret even thought it has been 5 months since that happened and I have anxiety and can not sleep. Why did it tell him even though I knew I should not tell him? this is why I feel so regret. I did it even though I knew it was wrong. What should I do? (note: I am 18 and have OCD)

  6. She's talking as if we're living in this world alone ….. has she forgotten about all the judgement people give you it is the main reason you get anxiety in the first place

  7. For Everyone in this comment section suffering from anxiety-God loves you! And if I could give all of you hugs, I would ❤️

  8. What if the person who judges ur anxiety is your partner and is the same person who points out ur weakness…. simply because my partner doesn’t know how bad anxiety is because he/she never experienced herself.

  9. I found this very useful, and like the presenter really understands what the experience is like. The advice is very practical, usable, and immediate. I hope the presenter reads this and can recommend books or speeches that may assist. Just wonderful, thank you!

  10. I literally try to forgive myself, i just can't.

    one of my friends is always telling me that what i like, i shouldn't and always telling me im doing something wrong.

  11. Do you like to hear cars HONNNNKKING when you're trying to sleep or rest? Please ….. lock your car quietly with light flash Only. No Honk. The Auto Industry needs to use technology that doesn't emit noise into the community.
    Thank you.

  12. Having anxiety sucks. But there’s a kind of beauty to it when you realize that you aren’t alone. We all got this. I wish for the day that someday that i look back at this comment and see how much i’ve grown. I already look at this and see growth from months ago. Take it day by day.

  13. I really liked your speech and your way of connecting things made everything clear for me i really found it helpful and enjoyed it, thank you💘

  14. Yesterday I was at a cloths shop and the employes were starring at me because I was the only one there. So when I saw one approaching I latterly ran out….

  15. Isnt it amazing that helping another person brings joy to oneself? The logic simply doesn’t make sense, and yet its true.

  16. Olá, palestra incrível!!! Mas há um erro na legenda em português que muda para o contrário, o sentido de uma frase que ela disse. Ela, aos 12min46seg diz: "Não conseguiremos ser completamente felizes ATE SABERMOS que alguém precisa de nós". Mas na legenda está escríto: "Não conseguiremos ser completamente felizes SABENDO que alguém precisa de nós" que é o contrário do que ela disse. Achei importante pontuar isso, pois esta uma das partes mais importantes da palestra e é melhor que as pessoas que não entendem inglês, tenham acesso ao que realmente ela disse.

  17. I had anxiety/ agoraphobia for 5 years. I am now in control of my life. I am starting a channel sharing my story and how I was able to overcome anxiety, please have a look I hope it will help.

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